The issue of death is often seen as a taboo topic and makes many feel uneasy. While it may be an uncomfortable aspect of life to consider, it is a significant consideration which requires one to plan and decide their last wishes with regards to their life. One of the more difficult parts however, is explaining it to children and helping them understand it. This awkwardness and uncertainty often leads many parents to avoid the topic altogether, which can only be detrimental in terms of development and understanding – even if a child hasn’t lost a loved family member. Here are some tips to help you explain death to children.
Keep it Simple
Many parents try to explain death in terms that are far from absolute. They’ll often refer to death as a state of sleep, or a transitionary phase – for example, “off to a better place”. Even though words like ‘dead’ and ‘death’ sound quite direct and have strong emotional connotations, they’re necessary to provide clarity on the matter. It might be a tough thing to do at first, but explaining death from a physiological standpoint prevents a child holding onto false hope that a loved one might return.
It’s a Discussion, not just an Explanation
You want to be there to listen to the concerns or questions of a child and allay any of their fears. In fact, prompting and encouraging children to ask questions will only help them better understand the situation. One of the best ways to do this is to begin by trying to understand whether the child has an idea of what death means. If they’re familiar with the term, you’ll be able to use that as a base for starting the discussion.
Of course, an adult should take the lead and provide information on the circumstances, but they should let the child express their thoughts and emotions. Being able to listen is a key aspect of trust and allowing a kid to feel as though their parent understands what they’re going through. When it comes to families with religious values and beliefs, these are better introduced as comforting factors after discussing the matter of death itself, since there is only so much a child will be able to take in and learn in the circumstances.
Honesty Works
When it comes to a question that you cannot answer because you simply don’t know, honesty is the best policy. In some respects, the simplicity of kids questions can really be quite probing and to the point. Simply stating that there are some things that don’t make sense, or that even you don’t know, will help the child feel as though they’re not strange for having these questions that can’t be answered.
You Don’t Need to Supress Emotion
One of the most comforting experiences a child will observe from the discussion is when they relate to your emotions. Rather than trying to put on an act and remain in control, children will benefit from knowing that the feelings of sadness and grief, as well as being able to cry, are nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Tell the child that these emotions and reactions are normal and sharing them will help you heal in unison.
Make Sure They’re Doing Alright Afterwards
Keep an eye on your child for some time after the discussion. Everyone deals with grief and the healing process in different ways, children included. If something seems amiss, or your child is still having problems coming to terms with the loss of a loved one, be prepared to listen and help them through these moments. If there is a notable impact in both your lives, it’s time to engage help courtesy of therapy and/or grief counselling.
